I am Leah

Genesis 29:31-35

31 When the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb, but Rachel was barren. 32 And Leah conceived and bore a son, and she called his name Reuben, for she said, "Because the LORD has looked upon my affliction; for now my husband will love me." 33 She conceived again and bore a son, and said, "Because the LORD has heard that I am hated, he has given me this son also." And she called his name Simeon. 34 Again she conceived and bore a son, and said, "Now this time my husband will be attached to me, because I have borne him three sons." Therefore his name was called Levi. 35 And she conceived again and bore a son, and said, "This time I will praise the LORD." Therefore she called his name Judah. Then she ceased bearing.

My middle name is Rachel, but in the past 24 hours, I have felt more like her older sister. She was in a terrible situation; married to a man who was so much more in love her sister, that, in comparison, his feelings toward her are deemed hatred.

What is her response? I think she has the mentality of Sarah, of Rebekah, of me and probably of you - to fix the situation herself. She takes advantage of a blessing that the Lord gives her, an open womb. The Bible here specifically shows that it is God who chooses who will birth and who will not, which is logical since it is God who prepares a destiny for each life. Leah, instead of being grateful, instead of pouring into these new lives of children who love her more than their father ever will, exploits them for one purpose: maybe now Jacob will love her.

Isn't that what we do? I am guilty of being so wrapped up in ascribing my worth from man's esteem for me. The ironic thing is that she knows Who the source of her blessing is. She gets progressively worse, though with the first three sons. With Reuben, she realized that God is seeing her affliction. Yet her perspective is limited: He is only the conduit of the solution to her problem with her husband. The problem, however, remains. With Simeon, God is no longer looking out for her, but just hearing of her complaints. Jacob still loves Rachel more, though. With Levi, God is hardly in the picture. She is still clinging to the notion that now, surely now, her husband will attach to her. Does he change? No, no he does not.

Finally, with the fourth son, her mindset shifts: "Now I will praise the Lord." After exhausting herself pursuing a love that would not be reciprocated, she turns to the One who loved her from the onset. His is the love that was, is, and will always be, and in its perfection, it always satisfies. In fact, it alone can satisfy. Why does Leah stop bearing children at this point? She has learned to be content in all circumstances, because her worth is found in the perfect Lover.

I have acted like Leah. We all have on occasion. But now, let us follow her example of repentance. Let us come before God, asking Him again to forgive our idolatry, our selfishness, and thank Him for loving us in spite of it. Let us be content with His love, letting it bring us peace.

God bless,

Alisha

Repentance = you-turn?

I was laying in bed, mulling over the slop of my life and trying to find a gospel solution to dissolve this mess (pun totally intended) so I can lift up my atrophied legs and begin to walk again. Discipline ... discipline I have always lacked. My mind conceives of a runner, prepping for the race of life, guzzling down bowls of spaghetti and rising before the sun does to climb the steps of the Art Museum, and unlike Rocky who dances at the top for a while, she runs back down and up again, over and over. That, to me, sounds boring. And I feel guilty that it does. I have no desire to do what I know is right, even though I know that, not only is it righteous, but it behooves me to do it. I want to glutton my desires.

Then somehow I think of a phrase that would make a great T-shirt: Repentance = you-turn. I immediately reject the idea, because I fall into the category of girls who are against fads because it's fashionable to do so. I admit it. But then I realize the real reason to reject the idea - it's wrong. Yes, repentance is about the 180, but I'm so stuck in muck that I can barely turn my head, much less my whole body. Repentance is about my turn-around, but I lack the power to do so. I need an outside Source.

And here is where my philosophies become praise: if somehow I could muster the mental strength to turn around, I would get the glory and honor. But if the Power is external, it becomes the wow-factor. It receives the awe. He demonstrates His brilliance in a God-designed adoration system. Now, repentance isn't a drag (again, pun), but excites my spirit because it lets me do what my being craves - to worship Him perfectly. And I don't have to wait 'til heaven to do so.