What's the plan, Phil(ip)?

I hold myself as a woman of faith. As of late, I must confess to be governed more by fear than faith, and for this reason, I have left you all for quite some time. Fear and faith cannot coincide, just as darkness with light. But God has been slowly challenging me on my level of faith, and I have discovered that I am severely lacking.

One thing I notice is that I'm becoming more like a woman everyday. I'm developing that intuition, which is helpful, but I'm also exhibiting flaws that seem to be in my very nature. Over this summer, I go to hear a series of teachings by Ms. Stacie Hooke. Truly life-changing teachings. She brought up a valid point - that she can identify with Eve's "issue" at the Garden of Eden. She knew the command to abstain from the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil given to her husband, Adam [Genesis 3:1-3]. I don't think she'd have had a problem obeying it either, save for one crucial missing item. Why? Just tell me why and I'll obey.

Oh, how I empathize with my ancestral mother! This, I wisely foresee, will be a problem in my future marriage, but more importantly (infinitely so), is a problem NOW in my relationship with Christ. Tell me why, Lord! Tell me why I must suffer, and I'll go through it willingly.

As a side note, it's interesting that this seems to play a role in abusive relationships, too. As part of the curse (which, I here emphasize, is no longer binding to those who are in Christ), the woman would long for her husband, and he would be head over her [Genesis 3:16]. I personally interpret this to mean that she will endure the hard burden of a man lording over her, even harshly, because her desire for him will be so strong. So long as the men give a reason, no matter how illogical it may be, many women stay in those relationships. In school, while practicing talking to battered and abused women, a common excuse was, "He only acts this way when I mess up." Of course, this does not warrant his behavior, but so long as an explanation is given, some women will persist in that harmful environment. God does not abuse those He loves. And we all deserve to be in a relationship with someone who loves us as Christ Himself loves His bride, the Church [Ephesians 5:25-31]. This is the truth. Any interpretation otherwise is dangerously false.

God does, however, keep us in the dark. It makes it (Father, forgive me) so annoying to follow Him. I want to know the plan. Women want to know the plan. The title of this devotional is taken from the popular sitcom, Modern Family, but it's a question I demand of myself every morning. What's the plan, Philip? Let me evaluate where God is taking me and extrapolate where He'd want me to go next. Much more rarely, I actually sit down and pray and ask Him where He wants me to go next.

Lately, He has not been answering. It's so frustrating that I am tempted with thoughts of divorce.

For those struggling as I have, and am, here is some advice I have picked up these several months.

1. Be assured, God loves you. If you really get this, then you probably won't need the other steps, for they will come naturally. Evidence: every gospel account of the Crucifixion, every book written by Apostle John, and more specifically Jeremiah 31:3.
2. Combat those thoughts with the Word of God. This was Jesus' own tactic during temptation, so I doubt you discover one better [Luke 4:1-13].
3. Remember His faithfulness. Be painstakingly specific. I'll share a personal example. On the night of October 30, 2005, I was in a horrendous car accident. Looking at the horseshoe-shaped vehicle afterward, and how remarkably unscathed I was despite my lack of an airbag, I was immediately assured that God was concerned with my safety and well-being, and that He must indeed have a purpose for the rest of my life here on this earth. I was overwhelmed; automatically from my eyes sprung tears of joy and from my mouth sprung worship and praise to my great Creator God. My spirit was connected to His Holy Spirit alive inside of me, together worshiping the Holy King, Magnificent Lord, my El Shaddai, my Jehovah Jireh. Thinking of that moment brings my pipsqueak trials to scale.
   

God is so good, even when I don't know the next step. As the Christian adage goes, I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know Who holds tomorrow.

God bless,
Alisha